Hello beautiful world! Yes, I am that positive! I still believe we live in a beautiful world. Hello beautiful people in this beautiful world! 😉 That’s more accurate, right?
Well, I am musing on some random thoughts lately that I decided to go back on my blog. I know, I know, it’s been a while that I have written my thoughts here. I hope this will be the start of my writing career again 😉
I have a lot of stories and experiences to share and I hope I’ll be able to share them here one by one. But just lately I am feeling blue that I can’t help to write them down here. I don’t know what it is about. I feel sad these past few days.
I am currently enrolled in distance learning university in France (University of Lorraine) where I get to do my lessons while my son is in play school (it’s called “creche” in French). This is taking me a lot of time doing one homework. To all mommies out there I know you can relate. Sometimes my mind or my brain is just dead and totally blocked. No matter how I try to make it function for the lessons there’s really nothing coming out. I am reading but without comprehension. Then I try to read again. I feel bad, I feel bad for myself. Maybe, I am really getting old for school? Maybe, this isn’t for me? Maybe, it is just really hard for a non fluent French speaker like me. Maybe, I just need to concentrate on motherhood? Maybe, I am just really dumb? Maybe, I’m not doing my best? Maybe, Maybe, I’ll go nowhere in this foreign land and lots of maybe(s) in my mind. It always crossed my mind. Teaching is far from my mind. I am not born to be teacher. That’s for sure. I did teaching here in France because that’s the only one I can do as of this moment. But lately my thoughts came back to just learning more French because teaching makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t even know if that’s the right word to describe what I am feeling right now. Ahhh! it sucks to feel this way. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know if you are a good mother. You don’t know if you are making right in life’s choices. One thing is sure, I am not sure. I always pray for guidance and right direction and I know it will come. I just feel sad that it’s taking me a lot of time doing one exercise that sometimes I wanted to kill myself for being so slow thinking. What’s wrong with you Analyn? I am not like this before. I know, my life then was just a student. No wife duties and no mommy duties. It is very different now. I am an average student back then in my elementary, high school and law school days. I am that kind of student who will not compete to make it at the top of the class but I always passed all my subjects. Lately, these studies is killing me, seriously! I don’t know if I can finish this and I am still sane. I can only pray and hope.
Weather is getting good so I hope this feeling blue will get me through too. I am hoping and fervently praying for the best to come.
How are you feeling right now? Can you share me some tips to overcome this feeling?